I Could Never Kill You My Beloved
by hoppinghamster
Summary: An add-on to the Series 7 episode "Repression"... Can Chakotay ever make it up to Kathryn for overtaking her ship and putting her in the brig?
1. Chakotay's pain

Season 7 Repression episode SPOILERS...

**chapter 1**

**Chakotay's pain**

Her cold glare looked me up and down, she was not happy, hurt, maybe a little but there was more to it than that, a hint of fear radiated from her darkened blue eyes as she looked at me. I couldn't blame her.

What could I say to her? How could I make right what I had done? Feebly I tried to act as casually as I could "I thought you might want your ship back." Was all I had come up with as the force field dropped releasing her from the brig were I had put her.

That cold stare fell upon me, her eyes repulsively looking me up and down "no more rebellion?" she spat at me as she marched past me without a backwards glance.

Her concern was for Tuvok, of course, yet there I stood behind waiting for her acknowledgement yet none came. "It's good to have you back commander" she said openly to Tuvok leaving the brig without even a look in my direction.

Now here I sit the cold stare of my captain still etched it my mind, never had I dreamed of seeing such hurt and fear radiate from her eyes as she looked upon me.

My thoughts wonder to happier times shared with my beloved captain, her radiant smile, her trusting heart. It makes me want to weep, could I have lost such a precious gift? Could her trust for me be lost forever? Will she ever look at me with her bright blue eyes and open her heart to me again?

I can't sleep, not this night, the events of hours before plaguing my mind; I stood and watched as she entered _her_ ready room, lead in at phaser point into my mercy. There was no plan, no discussing. My beloved Kathryn stood before me, visible trepidation and fear drawn across her beautiful face as she waited to hear my next orders. Never could she have imagined what would come from my lips, I still hear my own voice saying those terrifying words so coldly and heartlessly "it's set to kill…"

Her shocked and pleading eyes fell upon me, only to be met by my cold stern unyielding brown eyes "you said nobody would be hurt" her pleading gasp was met only by my cold dark silence.

It was me, I saw and heard from my own eyes and ears what my own mouth was saying, my mind was still there buried deep, I _knew_ what I was doing, that's the worst part, I knew. Yet all reason and caring was driven from me, anger filled my reasoning, somebody else's agenda controlling me. The man I am, Chakotay, First Officer on the Starship Voyager was there yet not in control and the woman I love paid the price.

**More soon to come... **


	2. Kathryn's pain

**Chapter 2**

**Kathryn's pain.**

I don't want to be angry with him, I know it wasn't his fault; he was under mind control just as Tuvok was but somehow it hurt more coming from him. I know I have known Tuvok longer but somehow it mattered more, I couldn't stand it, my worse fear came to pass, how can I trust him now? I want to, things between us have not been right in a while now. I know it wasn't easy for him seeing me as a Borg Drone when we destroyed Unimatrix zero and I know deep down he blames me for that pain. Now here we are, only a few months later and have we lost it all? There is so much hurt and blame that lingers between us. When he came to me in the corridor to confine me to the brig I let him take my arm firmly in his hand and guide me, he was the one with the phaser in his hand I was helpless, my words could not win him over and now an invisible wall of bitterness stands between us. When he came to the brig to release me I couldn't bring myself look at him, what was there left to say? Equinox, Unimatrix Zero and now this. It's a daily fight to survive here in the Delta quadrant; it becomes all too easy to forget what life is really about, love and fellowship. I let him down far too much over the years. I tried to control him, make him into who I want him to be, keeping him locked and confined into the ever secure confines of protocol and regulations and he let me, never complaining, happy to stay wherever I placed him. What if this really was it? What if he had truly had enough and had taken over the ship, snatched command right from my hand? Where would that leave us? Would he really fire a loaded phaser set to kill right at my skull? Would he do it with the same cold, meticulous planning as I thought he was about to do today? I have stood and looked death by phaser in the eyes many times but not once have I ever thought I would stand and face death on Chakotay's command. How can we recover from that? It hurts too much to even dare to try anymore.

**More to come soon….**


	3. Chakotay's Ice Queen

**Chapter 3**

**Chakotay's ice queen.**

"Lights" ordered Chakotay as he walked into the darkened mess hall a whole week after he had given the ship back to its rightful captain. A captain who now plagued his mind, her pain filled eyes playing round and round in his head, the fear etched across her beautiful face for all eternity in his mind constantly awakening him in the dead of the night.

Walking over to the counter behind which Nelix usually sat Chakotay stood to contemplate the food left out and cold that late at night. "The soups good" a deep husky voice came from a corner of the room Chakotay didn't even think was occupied, "of course you would have to heat it up." She informed him as she rose from her chair and moved towards him asking "can't sleep commander?"

Chakotay spun round from the food counter where he stood to come face to face with none other than the woman who filled his thoughts of late "captain- I – I didn't see you there, I will leave if you pref-"

With a slight tilt of her head Kathryn raised the palm of her hand to stop him in mid-sentence as she interrupted him saying "no need commander, I should be getting back to my quarters anyway" to which Chakotay felt heavy disappointment. "Enjoy the soup" she added with a polite nod as she turned to leave him alone in the vast empty mess hall that late at night.

"are you not eating?" he asked quickly half trying to find something to get her to stay with him and half out of genuine concern for her sporadic eating patterns had not gone unnoticed by her first officer in the last week.

"No" she snapped quickly and then in a much calmer tone added "no, thank you, I have already eaten."

"Join me for a drink?" he asked her softly.

Turning her beautiful blue eyes to meet his brown eyes for the first time since her cold stare as he let her from the bring she said almost in pain "I can't, please don't do." And with those words she had left the room.

Chakotay did contemplate leaving the room after her but decided it best to let his captain go; instead he turned dutifully to the soup she had recommended.

After eating the soup and walking the ship Chakotay decided he had better return to his quarters and still at least salvage some sleep for the night. As he neared his door that late at night he stopped, the sound of voices from Kathryn's quarters next to his made him freeze in his tracks, a male voice he couldn't distinguish could be heard, who it was or the words they said Chakotay could not tell but it made his heart beet faster and a tang of jealousy fill him. Alas what right does he have to interrupt her? She is after all a free woman and his captain, nothing more, she can see who ever she wants to see, be it 4am in her quarters and there really is nothing he could do about it.

The next day Kathryn Janeway showed up to her duty shift and sat in her command chair beside Chakotay for the first time in a week. As she entered the bridge all the bridge crew held their breath almost daring her to sit beside Chakotay, hoping that she would find herself there in her usual and rightful place, the bridge hadn't been right with its captain hiding away in the ready room all the time. As she sat Chakotay did not want to make his joy appear to evident, since the whole incident with Chakotay taking over her ship Kathryn had not said a word to him or even looked at him until the night before. Over the last week chakotay had received formal and professional reports from him captain nothing more yet still with great authority she ruled the ship.

"Report" she demanded snapping Chakotay from his thoughts right into the matter at hand "a steady speed to the Alpha Quadrant, Warp 6, all systems functioning normal Captain."

"Thank you commander." She said to him with an ever so slight tilt of her face towards him, Chakotay felt pleased the ice queen was finally melting.

**More soon to come…..**


	4. Dismissed

**Chapter 4**

**Dismissed**

It hadn't been long before the captain had retired to her ready room during her shift but at least, Chakotay thought, she had been on the bridge just a little before handing it over to him. He couldn't keep that male voice from her quarters the night before out of his head, did she know he could hear? Perhaps, he wondered, that had been her soul intention. At which point he had to stop himself from such a thought, after all Kathryn Janeway had the right to see who she wanted when she wanted, the last thing he needed was a bout of jealousy clouding his judgement.

The shift wore on, little happened other than Tom and Harry shared banter across the bridge to pass the time, much to the annoyance of Tuvok but Chakotay saw no reason to stop it. Still and motionless he stared blankly at the view screen, Kathryn Janeway was the captain, it was up to her if she talked to him or not, seemingly she felt it should be a not but something was nagging in the back of Chakotay's mind. It didn't feel right. It had been a week since she had talked to him properly, a week since he so wrongfully staged a mutiny against her. A week since he had terrified her when ordering Tuvok to kill her with a phaser he had claimed was set to kill.

Kathryn Janeway sat in her ready room, a dark cloud of difficult emotions filling her mind, it had been a dark few months and at times she had wondered if she as captain would ever get the crew through it, there had been many times she had contemplated handing the ship over to her more than capable fist officer, Commander Chakotay but never had she expected him to _take _the ship by force.

"_Step back in the brig Kathryn."_ Those words had hunted her this last week, she had glanced at his darkened eyes as he said it, and the disgust for her, for Starfleet, for all she stood for was there deep in his eyes. Had it always been there? Had she simply missed it? Ignored it and pretended it wasn't there for all those years. Now all she knew and trusted about him was at question.

She was pulled from her thoughts as her door chime sounded. Running her fingers through her hair and giving a deep sigh she rose tiredly from where she sat on the sofa at her view point before saying "enter" as she stepped down to the lower section of her ready room where she came unexpectedly face to face with her first officer who had just entered her ready room.

Stopping slightly and having to quickly find composure she turned from him to move towards her desk closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as she did so. "Commander" she said in her deep husky voice as she turned to face him as she took her seat behind her desk "is everything ok?" If ever she needed some strength it was now, she watched him take a pause clearly collecting himself on what his answer should be. His tanned skin was etched with worry lines across him face as opposed to a threatening stance which made her soften just a little but not enough to let her guard down.

Collecting himself Chakotay stood freely with his hands clasped behind his back and taking a breath before he said, "No Kathryn it is not."

At the mention of her name not rank Kathryn tightened her muscles. Chakotay had used her name over rank many times over the seven years they had shared together, he had used it as a sign of affection, showing their deep personal relationship mixed ever so delicately with their command structure but the sound of her name now put her on guard. He had used her name not rank during his Maquis mutiny, he had used her name to demoralise her rank as he was calling himself captain over her, which was not something she would let happen again.

"Commander" she said firmly making a point of his rank "perhaps it would be more appropriate if you discussed your problem with the relevant department head."

Chakotay watched her for a second for even a tiny flicker of emotion but her command mask was firmly in place, deciding to go along the same tack as her, at least she was talking to him, Chakotay stated simply "I am doing that right now Captain,"

Kathryn did not flinch as he said those words, she knew what had been coming, holding his gaze for as long as she thought she could she tried to work out his emotions, when he did not divulge any more she sank into her chair she said firmly "then what can I do for you commander?"

"We have a problem, and I want to fix it." he stated simply waiting for her to make the next move.

She watched him and found no hint of an explanation in his words, he didn't need to give one, she knew what he meant and he knew it. Letting her eyes drift up from where she sat to meet his she asked calmly "how do you intend to do that?"

"Well" he began, relaxing a little happy that she was at least going to entertain the idea "I will start by apologising."

"I see." Kathryn said softly gesturing for him to take the seat opposite her at the desk.

"You're not going to make this easy for me are you?" sighed Chakotay as he broke into a dimpled smile.

Kathryn merely tilted her head to look at him.

Shaking his head slightly Chakotay let out a little laugh at her stubbornness before he looked into her blue eyes seriously and said in a deep voice "I am so sorry Kathryn."

She watched him for what felt like an eternity before she hung her head to stare at a certain spot on her desk. Then ever so slowly she raised her head to look at him before shaking her head and waving her hand almost dismissively "apology accepted" then taking the PADD on her desk in her hand and staring at it she said without even looking at him "was there anything else commander? For I am rather busy."

Chakotay watched her stiffly before almost snapping "do you think this is easy on any of us? At least I am trying to do something about it."

"Dismissed Commander" Kathryn hissed through ground teeth.

"Don't order me out of here, we deal with this here and now, don't you dare pull rank on me like that." Growled Chakotay matching her tone.

Placing the PADD on her desk and rising from her chair Kathryn took him in as she stared before stating almost too coolly "I am the Captain of this ship and I will order you any way I wish, you _will _obey those orders or you may find yourself in the brig that you so happily put me in last week. Now dismissed, or do I have to get security to escort you out of her, _Commander?_" Kathryn asked as she raised herself to her full height to take him in.

Rising from his seat, Chakotay, though not physically threatened decided it was time to withdraw, with a sharp turn he made his exit, but not before turning to tell her simply "Captain Janeway, you can trust me and one day I intend to prove it to you."


	5. The Sins of The Past

**Chapter five.**

**The Sins of The Past**

"Captain?" Chakotay asked rather surprised as he had just opened his door to his quarters after his chime and sounded and was expectantly greeted by the slightly worried face of his beautiful captain.

As though steeling herself to find the courage to talk Kathryn to a deep breath, looked him in the eyes and asked in her cautious deep voice, "May I come in Commander? Is this a bad time?"

Still slightly stunned by her sudden change around from her behaviour earlier in the day Chakotay stepped aside to allow her room to enter saying "no not at all, do come in" with a slight hesitation and then looking from him as she entered not daring to make eye contact she stopped in the centre of his sitting room admiring the beautiful artist work he had laid out on his table. Coming in behind her and letting the doors close behind him Chakotay watched her closely before he stepped towards his replicator and asked "can I get you anything? Coffee perhaps?"

"No thank you." She said suddenly turning towards him. Silence lingered between them as it became clear he had wanted to replicate himself a drink, "You go ahead." She added with a slight smile though she did not need to give him permission to drink in his own quarters. As he turned to order his drink of tea she felt a pang of guilt surface in her heart once more, a guilt that almost let tears flow from her eyes but not before she forced her command mask in place and asked "how are you commander?"

"Well, thank you Captain," he replied politely then taking a sip from his tea he fixed her with his stare before saying out of true compassion "Is everything ok?"

"Yes" she snapped almost out of habit and then relaxed a little saying in what she hoped sounded sincere and soft "well yes, I owe you an apology"

"Oh?" he asked with mock confusion in his voice and a dimpled smile threatening to break out on his face.

Kathryn Janeway began to fidget, she was feeling very uncomfortable and finding the whole situation difficult, feeling very exposed and venerable she raised her head to look at him and then told him "I was dismissive of you in my ready room today, that was unfair, it must have taken a lot for you to have come to me to apologise." She waited for his response and when none came she sighed, had she really expected anymore? After all she had forced him earlier that day to apologise to her, the least she could offer him was the same. Looking him deep in the eyes she told him with true sincerity and compassion "I am sorry Chakotay"

His stern glare did not lift from her. Fear ebbed across her face until his dimpled smile broke out sending her into a confused unsure look on her face "apology accepted" then he laughed at her stunned face "I am sure it took such a lot for you to come here and say that, thank you." To which she relaxed a little. "Please do take a seat." He told her gesturing towards his comfy arm chairs which had decorated with his tribal throws which his mother had made.

"no" she said harshly and let herself relax and she said "no thank you commander" then as though trying to find an excuse as he looked at her slightly confused "its late, I should be getting back for an early night, you and I are both on the Alpha shift in the morning" with that she made her way back towards his doors, with her back to him she allowed the tears to well up in her eyes, she had done what she set out to do.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked confused.

"Please don't" she ask tearfully as she turned to face him "not now, I can't" she told him shaking her head "this is not easy for either of us"

Chakotay allowed his own pained dark eyes to meet with her tearful blue eyes "I need to know if you are ok." He told her "what I did –"

"Was not your fault" she interrupted him with her husky and yet soft voice.

"I still did it" he reminded her feeling his own guilt surface.

"Yes" she nodded as she looked at him from across his dimly lit quarters "yes you did, but it's more than that, this problem between us did not just begin last week." She told him as her tears rolled freely and unchecked down her face where she let them fall.

"No?" Chakotay asked her as his heart beat faster and a knot in his thought tightened as he watched the woman he loved in such a way.

"No" she told him stiffly as she turned from him muttering "Ransom"

"Ransom?" gasped Chakotay slightly taken aback at the mention of the captain or the Equinox, feeling his own pain he tried to go to her as he told her softly "oh Kathryn that was a long time ago now, we have moved on." Trying to sound reassuring.

"Have we?" she almost shouted at him.

"Kathryn?" he asked her drawing his brows together in confusion.

"Aries IV, the Mars Mission, Seven's conspiracy theories" she listed angrily and then stopped, took a long deep breath and said in a much calmer tone, "Michael Sullivan"

"Oh Kathryn" he whispered feeling his own compassion boil up for her, trying to keep his own emotions surrounding her Holographic boyfriend in check.

But Kathryn hadn't finished her list "the Memorial on Trakis" she went on pointing out more incidences where their relationship had suffered "and of course me becoming a Borg on Unimatrix Zero." And she knew then he would hit a never, she would hit something she knew even Chakotay couldn't bear to address and then she would prove her point.

"Don't" he hissed at her angrily through gritted teeth.

"Exactly" she snapped back at him wiping away the last of her tear wetting her face.

Realising he had left his anger unchecked Chakotay took in a deep breath and trying to calm himself said "I didn't mean-"

"I know what you meant" she cut him off; she knew the truth and didn't want lies. "I also know you have never forgiven me for what I did to you when we were traveling through fluidic space."

With her words both stopped dead and stared at each other in stunned silence, that had hit Chakotay and taken him completely of guard, even Kathryn did not know where her words had come from. "Kathryn I never said I had a problem with the situation then." He told her confused.

"You didn't have to, I just knew" she said sadly, turning from him, at least now it was out in the open.

"Kathryn I-" Chakotay began.

But Kathryn rose he palm to stop him "stop commander, I can take it"

"That was nearly two years ago, that was before Ransom." He told her trying to search her deep blue eyes for answers.

"It's still there between us, lingering like a dark could, never mentioned, never talked about."

"I am so sorry Kathryn" Chakotay told her as confusion and pain filled his heart.

"No it is I who should be sorry" she whispered as her tears resurfaced.

"Please stay a while, sit with me and talk about this." Chakotay begged her resting his palm on her shoulder.

"Commander I can't, it's late and-" she began with her hurried excuses.

"Not too late" he cut across her.

"Goodnight Commander." She said sadly.

"Don't ignore what has come up tonight." Chakotay insisted shaking his head but instead of his words getting her to stay his words seemed to drive her away as she left his quarters leaving him stood there with his coffee mug still in his hand.


	6. A nobel sacrifice

**Chapter 6.**

**A noble sacrifice.**

Chakotay sat in his chair on the bridge of the Alpha shift, he hadn't seen his captain yet that morning but he knew their conversation the night before had rattled her and so he really wasn't expecting to hear from her in a long while, if he knew Kathryn Janeway then he knew avoidance was her next tact and so he felt great surprise when his comm badge broke the silence of the bridge with that familiar beep and then her husky voice breaking through "Janeway to Chakotay"

He almost jumped out of his chair before he collected himself saying a little too calmly "Chakotay here"

"Commander please can you join me in my ready room." Her voice asked with a subtle hint of worry which Chakotay did not miss.

"I'll be right there, Chakotay out." He said as he steadily rose himself to his full height and collected himself as he calmly walked towards her ready room ignoring the mischievous grin which Tom was exchanging with Harry. "Tuvok you have the bridge." He said as he past the Vulcans tactical station and chimed the door behind which his beautiful Kathryn was waiting for him.

"Come in" she said ever so softly in response to the chime of her door.

As he entered she stood with her back to him, looking out her view point with her hands on her hips watching the stars pass her by. After a while, when she made no effort to acknowledge him Chakotay asked gently "Captain?"

Without even looking at him she gestured to the sofa next to where she had just sat and said in a polite undertone "Do take a seat commander."

"Captain is everything all right?" he asked genuinely concerned as he watched her sit next to him fidgeting.

"No Chakotay it's not." She said sadly meeting his eyes for the first time that day "Your right." She admitted with a heavy sigh.

"Oh?" he asked with a dimpled smile tempting her to say more.

Turning from him and fidgeting she said firmly "We can't ignore what has come up between us."

"No" he admitted feeling relieved that she was coming around to his way of seeing things.

There was a long silence in which Chakotay waited for his captain to say something, in which only lead to her feeling uncomfortable before asking, "But where do we begin?"

"The beginning Kathryn." Chakotay prompted her softly taking her hand in his which surprisingly she allowed him to do so.

"Beginning?" she asked almost far off in distant thought.

Chakotay watched her for any flicker of softness in her still, cold eyes but when none broke through he stroked her knuckles with his thumb where he still held her hand and said softly "back to where we began."

"We?" she asked raising an eyebrow as she turned to look at him, stiffening up not sure where this is going.

"Yes," Chakotay told her taking in her sent as he breathed in and felt her sat so closely to him "you and I, our relationship."

"Relationship?" she questioned pulling her hand from his as not to give the wrong idea.

"New earth." He told her firmly.

Her body visibly stiffened at the mention of the happier time when their relationship was only just to flourish, a time when the two were free to love and be loved, a time before all the pain. "New earth?" she questioned with a hint of anger of his mentioning it but her words were mixed with a wishful expression but Chakotay could see through it all she was desperately trying to claim she was not understanding and confusion.

"Captain please don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about." Chakotay told her with his own hint of anger.

"We promised we would never talk of that." She reminded him coolly.

"Do you regret it?" he pressed on through her indignant refusal to engage him in that conversation.

"What?"

"What we did there" he told her trying to read her emotions in her eyes.

As tears began to form in her deep blue eyes she tried desperately to turn from him so he wouldn't see, "I regret it came to this years later" she admitted sadly as he took her trembling hand back in his "I regret we have to live this way" her voice was heavy and torn "I regret I have to be your captain"

For Chakotay it was the first of an even slight admittance that she has wished she could have more with him, an untrained person may not have noticed it but a man schooled in watching the even slightest moves of this brave woman warrior did notice. "You didn't want to come back all those years ago did you, you didn't want to leave new earth?" he asked her softly not about to let up on his point.

"did you?" she questioned sadly not sure what an answer she would get, of course at the time she knew he would stay but much had passed between them since then.

"No"

She looked at him in the eyes trying to read his emotions "nor did I"

There was a silence that lingered, the knowledge that their choice to do what neither wanted had led to great pain between them over the last years.

"We did what was best for the ship" she reminded him firmly "for the crew."

Chakotay watched for a long while before nodding and saying "yes we did and we sacrificed a lot in the process."

"We had to" she told him wide eyed "and we have to keep on sacrificing."

Chakotay's hart tightened, was that really it? Was it over in a brave and noble sacrifice? Could he ever really give up his love for her? That he never wanted to have to find out.

**More soon to come…**


	7. Her Constant

**Chapter 7**

**Her constant.**

Chakotay watched her for even the slightest hint of regret or sorrow at what she had just said; when none came he asked her with a hint of frustration in his voice "so that's it then?"

She looked at him with her blue eyes blazing wide, "it has to be."

"Give me something here Kathryn." He growled feeling ever so slightly annoyed with the situation.

"Chakotay what you did last week was not your fault." She told him softly as she turned to face him.

Chakotay watched her, he knew she was really trying to make it all ok with him again within the confines of Starfleet protocol and he knew what he did to her hurt her. Sadly he watched her as he said softly "but it hurt you." It was more of a statement than a question.

Quickly turning to him to meet his eyes he watched as visibly to tension went from her face and with a heavy sigh Chakotay saw the regret and sorrow in her deep blue eyes "oh Chakotay." She whispered softly.

"The truth Kathryn" he asked from her forcefully knowing she would try to cover up her feelings and pretend they didn't matter for the sake of protocol.

"the truth?" she snapped at him, she knew she needed to give it to him, to admit it even just once, and she knew he needed her to give it to him "Of course it hurt" she snapped "I thought you were going to kill me!"

"I could never kill you my beloved" he told her seriously and lovingly taking her hands in his and willing her to believe him.

She didn't pull her hands away which gave Chakotay hope. Slowly she looked sadly into his loving pleading eyes and she nodded with a hint of a smile to reassure him "no, I know that, but it wasn't you, you could have done anything."

Chakotay knew in her own way she was trying to erase him of his crimes, he knew maybe she needed to feel safe around him rather than it really being how she felt, he had served so closely with this woman who he loved and cared for so long now he knew her too well, there was very little she could hide from him tough it was often not said. "But it still hurt you."

"scared me and yes" she admitted but didn't seem very willing to say any more, when Chakotay looked deep into her eyes and giving her hands a slight reassuring squeeze she turned form him and nodded saying ever so quietly "hurt me a little."

Chakotay knew the pain between them went all the way back to new earth; it was a pain they had each carried from the day they returned to Voyager sacrificing their personal feelings for the good of the ship. Chakotay pondered how could anything else have ever been right? A love that could not be acted upon is not really a love at all. It was more a wish, a lost hope, a broken dream a lost desire. It was that they both knew was what had lead them to this lost and hurt world.

"were you hurt because I ordered Tuvok to kill you or were you hurt because it was a symbol of our lost love?" he asked her so calmly he anger was defused.

She rose from the sofa to take herself away from him and get some distance there with back to him she placed her hands on her hips and said deeply "what could have been on new earth all those years ago can never be now."

"Stop sacrificing yourself, sacrificing us and open your eyes" insisted Chakotay as he rose to join her where she stood.

Kathryn rose her hand to stop him from becoming to close before she said in her husky voice "I sacrificed my ship back then and found you but in the end I sacrificed what lingered between us for the ship" then turning to him she said almost begging "our ship"

"But Kathryn-"he began stepping towards her before she interrupted him,

"I am not going to order you to drop this Chakotay, nothing that candid but as your friend I am asking you to not do this to me, we made a choice back then and we came back, neither of us wanted to but we did, please don't go back on that choice now, I need you to be the constant that you are not wavering waiting for something more."

Chakotay stood thinking on the weight of her begging words everything in him wanted to our rightly protest, point out he never made that choice, _she _had but he knew he couldn't do that to her, he saw now it would break her. All he could do now was to be that constant she had asked him to be, the constant she had _let _him be.

"Aye captain" was all he could think to say as he bit back the bitter feeling in his own throat; her constant couldn't and wouldn't cry in front of her.

At the formality of his words she visibly stiffened and her command mask and stance was back firmly in place "Thank you Commander, dismissed" came her reply as she turned from him.

Chakotay knew he had out stayed his welcome on there were times even a captains constant needed to retreat, "I'll be on the bridge ma'am" he said softly before he turned from her and exited as first officer from his captains ready room.


	8. Unrequited love

**Chapter 8.**

**Unrequited love**

Kathryn regretted letting him go that way, it wasn't what she had wanted and she knew neither was it what he had wanted but once again the crew had come first and she had forced them into that dutiful sacrifice once again and as her ever constant he had let her do it with little protest

The time on Voyager went on as usual with captain and first officer fulfilling their duty with unwavering resilience to the strain such a demanding role placed on them. The ever faithful first officer was there ready to support and guide his captain, never afraid to speak out his mind when a situation required it. Chakotay watched his weary captain from a distance never crossing the invisible line she had drawn between them. His worry grew for her as he silently noticed that over time her steady consistent was faulting. Her worry and fear more were noticeable and her sleep patterns erratic. Her late night strolls worried him. It was one such night when Chakotay found himself awake in his own quarters well aware his captain was awake and wondering around her ship.

"Computer locate captain Janeway" he dared to ask and waited with bated breath for the electronic feminine voice to respond.

"Captain Janeway is in the ready room" came the emotionless reply.

Chakotay's heart sank; she was working, even at the late hour. She had been working all too hard lately and she knew she was trying to shut herself off, to keep occupied and not have to face whatever it was that was bothering her.

Deciding as her first officer he had to take matters into his own hands he left his own quarters and headed for deck one to confront the small woman.

"Come in" came her husky voice in return to his chiming the door.

Upon entering the captain's ready room the first officer found her bent over at her desk with her eyes staring at her computer terminal her left hand rubbing the stiff muscles in her neck and her right clutching a steaming mug of black coffee.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked out of concern as she barely looked up the greet him.

Almost as though thrusting her in to the present she asked in a tired deep voice without so much as looking at him "a little late for you to be out and about is it not commander?"

She studied her for a silent moment and then stated ever so coolly "if that is the case then it is for you also."

She froze for a second leaving Chakotay was unsure quite which way she would go next but much to his relief she gave a heavy grunt hung her head for a second and then leaned back rubbing her stiff neck vigorously before saying "who told you I was here?"

"Nobody" Chakotay said with a dimpled smile as he moved towards where she sat at her desk "a good first officer always know when his captain is not looking after himself and is on hand to rectify that situation"

"I see" said Kathryn as she dared a small glance in his direction "who say's I am not looking after myself?"

"I do" he said softly moving in behind her and gently resting the palm of his hands on her shoulders making her remove her own hand from her neck and stiffen her entire body "I wouldn't be your constant if I didn't" he added even more softly as he began to need his fingers and thumbs into her tense shoulders. The action reminded Kathryn of the only other time her first officer had given her a massage in such a way, new earth, an event that had led to their unrequited love. "You know Kathryn" Chakotay said with a smile "this would work better if you just relax."

"And then where would we end up?" she snapped at him but did not pull away.

Gliding his hands effortlessly across her shoulders he found his fingers rising gently up the back of her neck until the tips of his fingers were waving through her thick silky hair.

At that she rose from her chair turning to meet his eyes where she saw only love, she wanted so desperately to meet him with love but something in her couldn't and Chakotay sensed that. Moving back around the desk away from her she said gently to her "you need to eat, and sleep"

"This report won't read itself" she told him with a feeble attempt to keep her composure when everything in her wanted to run to him and wrap her arms around him in love.

Closing her computer terminal her told her "the report will survive this way, you won't if you carry on like this" with that he took her hand and guided her towards the door saying "now captain eat."

"Join me?" she asked stopping in her tracks and watching him closely.

With a dimpled smile he nodded saying "only if I cook"


	9. In The Waiting

**Chapter 9**

**In the waiting**

Captain Janeway threw down her napkin on to her empty plate and said with a hint of a smile "very good commander but I could have done better."

"I doubt it." He sorted into his wine glass.

"A challenge?" she exclaimed, everyone knew Kathryn Janeway was very competitive and loved a good challenge.

Chakotay merely laughter at her before asking "So you managed to frighten your replicator into submission then?"

"In no uncertain terms" she agreed with her trademark crooked smile threatening to appear.

Chakotay snorted with his own dimpled smile as he raised his glass to down the remaining wine and watch her closely.

She was leaning back and relaxed, almost enjoying being in his company and he for one felt very content. The two sat in silence for a while before Kathryn rose from her seat at his dining table and said softly "well thank you very much commander but as it is the early hours of the morning I should be getting home to bed."

Chakotay rose from his own chair to join her standing as he watched her walk gracefully towards his door, he knew if he let her walk away and not say what he truly felt then he may never say it "Kathryn" he said softly causing her to turn to him "your right, I was damned angry with you over what you did with Unimatrix Zero." She turned slowly to look him in the eye, her jaw set and her eyes glaring with her famous Janeway death glare. She opened he mouth to interrupt him but he carried on "I was disgusted by what you did to Noah Lessing in your search for revenge of Ransom" She placed her hands firmly on her hips and bit her lip to stop her from protesting for she knew he was right. She continued to glare at him wondering what else he would say. She was ready to admit to herself she was glad when the next thing he said to her was "but"

"But?" she almost demanded.

"But" he said ever so softly as he moved towards her "you will always be my brave woman warrior" With those words of reference to his declaration of love for her of many years ago on new earth Kathryn stiffened once more. She was confused and frustrated, seconds before she had been free and relaxed and enjoying his company now she was stiff, defensive and couldn't wait to get away from him. He had just once again declared his love for her proving it to be both undying and unconditional. "Walk away if you want Kathryn but don't you dare tell me you don't feel it too." He hissed at her causing his angry passion to wash over her.

"Surely, Commander" she added his rank to keep some professional perspective "you agree there never can be anything between us."

With a heavy heart Chakotay knew she was never going accept a relationship between them "Go now Kathryn, leave and never come back if that is truly what you want" he told her as she stood at his door, "but you shall always be in my heart, and I will wait for you, walk away if you want but no matter what, no matter how long I have to wait I will always be there for you to claim as your lover when you are ready."

Kathryn watched him as he sincerely said those words her own heart was breaking; she didn't want to walk away. "I can't" she whispered softly "I can't walk away" her admittance was soft, vulnerable and broken but it was there. "I finally know why it hurt me so much when to took my ship and ordered Tuvok to kill me." Chakotay stood silently looking at the tear stained face of his captain, he would not make a move without her say so. "I love you" she admitted "and I will be damned if I wait any longer to love, I don't want either of us to have to wait another second." There she had said it, got it out, laid it bare, now it was up to him to make the next move, and he did.

Chakotay didn't wait another second, he had waited long enough, with a kiss he ended the waiting in wrapping his arms around her and declaring "I love you too."

**The End…. Hope you liked this bit of J/C fluff…. Please do R&R**


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